HotelChatter

Because, according to 3am, the UK's favorite most infamous glamour model is planning to open a hotel. Yes, a hotel. A boutique one, no less. In London. So she can “have some privacy” (um, not courting the paps would probably help with that one too, Kate).

A sharp-tongued ‘friend’ told 3am:

It will be top-to-toe in pink with fluffy carpets and pink flowery drapes. It will be like the Playboy mansion on crack.

You could have breakfast in the Botox Lounge, or supper in the Spraytan Room. And you'd better bring a pink tutu for karaoke in the bar.

It will also, you’ll be pleased to know, be full of “any other Z-lister who wants to be seen”.

Jordan, you big bag of silicone, have you no thought for the poor May Fair, where you normally shack up? What if the popstrels and the footballers wives follow you? What if the paps desert it? What if it has to rely on the custom of, oh, say, Matt Damon and George Clooney to up its star wattage? Jordan, have a heart.

PS: Yes, we’re pretty sure this must be a joke, but then we thought the Ryanair pay to pee thing was as well. Time will tell.

[Photo: Celebrity Pictures]