Arriving at the Hotel Astoria
It's nearly impossible to get a favorable and affordable route for air travel to St. Petersburg from Los Angeles. So after sniffling at 40,000 feet for about 30 hours solid through 3 connections, I arrived in St. Petersburg.

I was greeted by a most unpleasant driver who couldn't seem to understand why someone might need to pee after a long flight. After much anticipation, we pulled up to a construction site in a quaint area of town adjacent to St. Isaac's Cathedral. This construction site, popularly known as "Hotel Astoria," would soon be called home for a few days.

Check-In
I feel like I read that Hotel Astoria underwent refurbishment recently, and was surprised at the state of the entry way (they were literally building an overhang out of plywood, and I found myself fearful that a person or piece of heavy machinery would fall on me when I walked in). I walked up to check-in, and had no difficulty with the process. The woman at the desk insisted that a representative from the hotel escort me to my room to give me a tour.

Room Reaction
We arrived at the room, and I have to tell you--there are some interesting features. First off, it is imperative that one has his key card in order to turn the lights on in the room. You have to place it in a little plastic cradle. I was surprised by this.

The escort from the hotel started showing me around the space, and was quick to point out the bidet and toilet, noting that it's "great for couples." This statement confused me, as I was traveling alone... not to mention it seemed strange that a bidet would somehow enhance a hotel experience specifically for couples.

My mind started to ask questions like, "Under what circumstances?" and "What sort of couples are we talking about?" I made presumptuous conclusions like, "These Russians must be kinky!"

Amenity Assessment
My room was a standard room. It reads like a pseudo one-bedroom with parquet floors. As you enter the room, you walk through a small foyer. The bathroom is on your left, and is full of white marble with dark grey veiny patterns. There is, of course, the couple-friendly toilet and bidet, and a bathtub. At the rear of the tub is a towel rack. The towel rack is heated. That's fun.

If you continue through the foyer from the room's entrance, you are lead through a single French door and into the bedroom. There is a double bed in the center of the room, and a little table to put luggage on on the right.

The bed is pretty great. It is outfitted in clean white colors, with a goosedown duvet on top--which is split in two. Forget the bidet, this feature might just be good for couples. Note to self: leave a note for the hotel liaison so that she might improve her tour bit.

Internet Connect
On the other side of the room is a desk where one can enjoy the wonders of high speed internet (sorry, no WiFi) for the bargain price of ~$35US per day. Well, at least it worked.

Spa Time
As for other bits about the hotel, the Turkish and Finnish Baths in the spa are FREE. Yes, FREE... well, "complimentary," because after all, you are paying in excess of $400 to be there. But for the sniffling American, the Turkish bath, aka: steam room, came quite in handy and was really quite quaint, if not a bit uncomfortable for the youthful American to be baking and steaming with aged and financially accomplished Russians.

Dining In..."Breakfast is so much fun!"
If you have the choice to get breakfast included in the room, DO IT! It's totally worth it! There is an infinitely fun buffet breakfast, and you can even order off of the standard hot menu too! They'll bring you anything! They hate saying no!

Breakfast is so much fun... but make sure you check your coat before going into the restaurant, because it's no freakin' joke. I am willing to bet that within 5 minutes, someone from the restaurant will approach you with a firm hand insisting that you do.

You've got to hand it to the Russians for appreciating good manners, and not allowing "good service" to get in the way. Check your coat, bitch!

Dining In..."Your 13-year-old Waiter"
Dinner at the hotel was pretty much just okay. It costs a fortune, and I found myself eating a lot of food to be polite. It's a really sad state of affairs when you don't want to offend your 13-year old waiter when you're trying to enjoy yourself being out of town. That being said, whatever it was called... Russian pasta... it's amazing. Figure it out and eat some.

High Tea Time
Tea at the hotel was worse than okay. It was overwhelmingly strong, and ridiculously expensive. I needed to meet someone, and it felt suave to steer them over to the couchette next to the harp player for tea. Why not, right? Oh wait... because it costs like... $70 for tea. Yeah, for tea. And some little cookie things. No joke, man.

And I was so jacked up I felt like I'd lost me to meth. This particular moment could have been improved if the hotel would make the features of the breakfast buffet available all day. So, Sir Rocco Forte, there's a note for you.

Bottom Line
BEST FEATURES: Heated Towel Rack and Free Use Of Spa Facilities.
BIGGEST GRIPES: Ridiculous Ethernet Charges/No WiFi, $70 Tea