On Safari
And the park? Right nearby - apparently you can hear the roaring at night. Lions and tigers and zebras and rhinos and monkeys and all that, all safely looked after by the gamekeepers in a manageably small space. We English like animals, but we like'em nice and easy on a Sunday afternoon, and the Longleat Safari Park saves a trip to Africa.

There's nothing to do in Horningsham (think ringing church bells and darkened pubs with darts contests), but as well as the enclosed safari park you've got 900 acres of parkland around the hotel to roam around in. If you get bored, drive over to Stonehenge, England's proudest collection of large, uninteresting rocks.

Animals in the Night
15 bedrooms, all of them large and kitted out with wood carvings and twiddles and four-poster beds and roll-top baths.

There are sunken sofas round the fire (you know you're in England), crappy plumbing (yep, definitely) and a classed-up bistro affair of a restaurant with, we hear, an excellent wine list. Expect a pubby atmosphere rather than posh nosh and waiters in tailcoats.

There's also a spa, interestingly called a 'Hip Bath', where you can get face treatments and all the usual gubbins.

Whatever you do, don't confuse it with the Bath Priory, which welcomes a rather more civilised type of animal and will probably serve you an organic one for dinner.

Rates & White Elephants
Two people pay £139 to £200 for dinner, bed and breakfast, depending on room and season.

The Hillbrooke Hotels mini-chain's just opened another hotel in Pangbourne (nowhere near - this one's by the Thames), with the original name of the Elephant Hotel.

[Photo: StephenJudge]