Enough of that - HotelChatter is a serious website. And you're taking your lover to Paris for a naughty weekend. Where do you stay? That depends on what you like to do. So here it is, the exclusive 'what kind of lover are you?' quiz. Be honest, now.

1. How do you like your sheets?
A - Dazzling white, starched, and stiffer than the shirt collar on your boarding school mistress.
B - Baby pink, off-white or cream, embroidered with daisies at the edges and neatly tucked in at the corners. Preferably with a nice warm bed-spread and a valise.
C - Violent red, black or purple, preferable slashed down the middle in a moment of passion.
D - You don't care - it's what you do under them that matters.

2. How do you like your lighting?
A - Funky uplighting, a colour-changing glow and the odd spotlight.
B - Not too bright. As long as you can read your book...oh, and with a convenient bedside light-switch so you don't have to get up before falling asleep.
C - A lurid glow from somewhere down below.
D - Depends how ugly they are.

3. How and where do you choose your partner?
A - From a catalogue, dahling.
B - I chose him in 4th grade. He was in the school choir.
C - From my little black book. Depends where I am in the world and how I'm feeling on the night.
D - Early on, before the good ones get taken. Usually somewhere loud and cheap.

If you've answered mostly As....
And you've got some money to burn, head straight for the 4-star Hôtel Keppler. Top designer Pierre-Yves Rochon only reopened it this August, so the sheets are still clean and starched.

It's part of the new hôtel de famille trend, which means a design hotel for people too old for design hotels. And it's in the 16th arrondissement, the district for those too old for tacky clubs in the city centre and too rich for the bo-ho dives in the outskirts.

Good old Pierre-Yves has ticked all the boxes on the love-hotel list of criteria, including (ha!) soundproof doors and windows. Go for the Suite Rouge - red and black everywhere, as well as little red-and-black cushions for naughty naked pillow fights and lights on the bedside tables that give off a proper lurid glow.

If you've answered mostly Bs....

You'd be mad to try anywhere else but the Hotel Grandes Ecoles. Paper doilies, frilly pink walls and elaborately embroidered bedspreads. Convenient tables and lights for bedtime book-reading, crappy old landscape paintings and a cup of real English tea under an umbrella in the garden.

You can even bring your favourite cat to warm up your bed and give your kid to a babysitter if you feel energetic enough to want some private time with your hubby. I admit I've not been, but my dad's golfing friend Graham recommended it, which should tell you all you need to know.

If you've answered mostly Cs....
Head straight for the Hôtel Amour. No beating about the bush here. A neon 'Amour' sign a couple of streets away from Paris's red light district of Pigalle, 20 lipstick-red rooms you can rent by the hour, some with baths at the end of the bed and one with glow-in-the-dark wallpaper, porno literature masquerading as romantic novels and a fine collection of contemporary erotic art (ha!).

Sounds like a brothel, but it's actually just appeared on Condé Nast Traveler's 2007 Hot List. That's because it charges between 130 and 200 euros a night, which is just over the budget of the average flâneur. Plus it's on the right side of the red light district, close enough to the Grands Boulevards for the lucky ladies of the night to enjoy some expensive daytime shopping.

The Hôtel Amour has only been open a couple of years, done over by graffiti artist André and his good friend Lionel, who also own the hip Le Baron nightclub.

They got a couple of mates in to design the rooms - Marc Newson, Stak and Sophie Calle if you've ever heard to them - and crammed tables into a fairly respectable café-brasserie downstairs (where you may have to wait in line for the toilette.) There's a courtyard if you're very thin and don't mind rubbing up against your fellow diners.

Most staff look like they snorted too much coke last night and there's more self-amour than anything else amongst the predominantly young, fashionista, sexually disorientated bo-ho clientele, but, I'm told, the place is worth it for the novelty. Like a novelty condom, I guess, only a bit more grown-up.

Don't bother looking at the website, though. It's all black and it doesn't say anything. You can use your imagination.

If you've answered mostly Ds....
You're already a flâneur par excellence so I'm unwilling to help.

Related Stories:
· Paris Hotel Guide [HotelChatter]
· Le Scene: Waiting for the Toilet at the Hotel Amour Bar [HotelChatter]
· Jaunted Embedded Travel Guide: Sex in Paris [Jaunted]