HotelChatter

One of the words that's bound to crop up a lot during this hypothetical failed dinner party is "wilderness". Now, if "wilderness" is synonymous with "tremendously big slice of tremendously valuable real estate, much of which is privately owned by tremendously rich North Americans", it's a fair description. If it isn't, it isn't. You decide. While you mull on that we're going to start a series on Patagonian accommodation.

If you trust the hype (which of course you don't) you might be under the impression that thousands of hotels have suddenly sprung up in the south of Argentina, like magic mushrooms on a damp morning in Wales. The truth is that there has always been a tourist industry in Patagonia and there have always been hotels. Since the 2002 Argentine currency devaluation, however, both the industry and the number of hotels have spiked like one of those mountains we were drooling over above.

There is, as they say, something for everyone. Fancy yourself as Billy Crystal in City Slickers? Book a stay on an estancia and prepare to pay through the nose for the privilege of mucking out the stables at 6am each day. Want to jaunt from point to point on a budget? There are many more decent hostels and B&Bs than ever before, a large proportion of which are run by the kind of eccentric characters Bruce Chatwin built a career out of. Prefer to rough it the easy way? The most noticeable trend is the rise in luxury and design hotels, the kind of places where the view costs you an extra 100 bucks a night. (Forget anything you've heard about Patagonia being cheap - it isn't.)

There are four major tourist 'zones' in Patagonia and we've divided this series accordingly. It should come out something like this:

Bariloche and the Lake District (2 articles)

Puerto Madryn and the Atlantic Coast

El Calafate and the glaciers

Tierra del Fuego

We will focus on hotels. We will behave. We will not indulge in any verbal wankery about volcanoes or mythical creatures or giants or Nazi fugitives or UFO-related cattle multilation. (Ok, maybe a little on the last one; who doesn't want to read about aliens wasting Aberdeen Anguses as part of some unfathomable strategy for intergalactic domination?) If you want to inform yourself on any of the above, buy a good guidebook. We recommend the Footprints book, which has the correct ratio of useful information to bullcrap. Whatever you do, don't buy this guide, it's rubbish.

We'll meet again on Wednesday, when we won't be talking about those crystal clear, glassy, limpid, pellucid, translucent lakes, and those soaring, towering. . . hey! - that's my Thesaurus! - come back here you bast...!

[Ed. Note: Matt has been forcibly relieved of his travelhacksaurus and will be back when, and only when, he is properly focused on the job in hand. Which should be on Wednesday.]