These proles - who in a previous era would have been called 'lepers'- claim to be unmoved by the wonderful added-value design features and amenities that boutique and design hotel owners - who in a previous era would have been called 'saints' - have tricked out their lodgings with, for the benefit of mankind.

To our mind these are innovations up there with Galileo's pendulum, Watt's steam engine, and Spears' 'Hit me baby one more time'. For the budget goblins, however, they are mere fripperies - incidental, not essential, to the lodging experience. Are they blind? Do they not see the beauty of a pearly-white wall (two coats!) adorned with Paul Klee prints specially ordered from Boutiques Fittings Ltd? Are they deaf, so as not to be blissed out by the Café del Mar Classics Volume CMXCIX that plays on constant rotation in the lobby? Are they without feeling, so as not to be seduced by the coffin-sized balcony which affords a stunning view of the next building along?

Like Hitler, these monsters say they have simple demands. He said he just wanted Austria, Czechoslovakia and Poland. They say they just want a clean room, a comfortable bed and a good bathroom. But where will it end? Like fascism this 'value for money' ideology might spread like a virus, infecting everyone, making even normal, law-abiding, fashionable people demand to not be overcharged for accommodation.

We need to be Churchillian about this; to take action now before it's too late. We will remove the budget seekers' passports. We will send them to reeducation centers in which they will forced to stare at a bamboo fence until they utter the words, 'Thank God I'm paying 200 bucks a night, otherwise I might not have had the benefit of that bamboo fence.' If all else fails we will hang them by the necks with Egyptian cotton until they say, 'Wow, I never knew a simple bedsheet could feel so delicious on the skin!'

In the meantime, on the principle that it's good to know your enemy, we will list BA's 'best' budget hotels. So unless you want to be accused of prizing value for money over musical bidets, avoid the following places like the plague.

Gran Hotel Hispano
First, an exemplary website: Flash-free, informative and with an English translation which verges on the comprehensible. (Not sure what a 'hair water proof cloth' is, though.) Secondly, a stunning mock-Spanish-renaissance atrium which belies the hotel's two-star rating. Thirdly, wonderful, non-bulimic staff who seem genuinely happy to be working in this 1950s downtown classic. Clean, simple, unpretentious rooms and special deals that mean you could spend three nights here with city tours and tango lessons thrown in, for under $200.

Posada Histórica Gotan
First, a horrible website. It starts with our hated bamboo sliding up and down the screen. Hit 'skip intro' and it segues into a piss-poor video tour of the hotel, interpolated with an unilluminating interview with proud owner Thibaud. And that's it. Which is a shame because this is a lovely guesthouse, an extreme makeover of co-owner Gabriella's 1890s family home. It's situated in Boedo, which is a little off the beaten track but a much more authentic old-school BA barrio than tourist-tango playground San Telmo. The 10 rooms are stylish, kooky, full of the kind of knick-knacks you actually want to pick up and pore over, and all look out onto a sun-drenched central patio. Rates are very reasonable, reflecting the hotel's location rather than its amenities.

Guido Palace Hotel
Every city needs a Guido. There's nothing to say about the decor. There's nothing to say about the service. It's a building with a number of interconnected corridors off which lie rooms which can be opened and closed using a key. If the movies are to be believed it's the kind of place hitmen hang out in while 'casing' their prey. If Shaggy from Scooby Doo decided to leave the gang and take a sabbatical (and he really should, those self-righteous WASPs are so down on him), Guido Palace is where he'd drop his knapsack. It's located in Recoleta, BA's most upscale barrio, and rates start at $50 a night.

Casa Alfaro B&B
Formely Como en Casa, this is one of the few budget lodgings that claims to be in Palermo Viejo and actually is in Palermo Viejo. (Telling the truth about your location is, we believe, a good start for a hotel.) There are 11 rooms - Basic, Standard and Suite - with little to choose between them. The decor is a bit spartan and barn-like, but livened up with rugs and drapes and splashes of colour in the colonial style. The communal spaces come into their own in summer, particularly the garden. Still one of the best budget options in expensive Palermo.

Best of the rest

Hotel Facón Grande

Posada de la Luna

Cypress In

Garufa

La Otra Orilla