HotelChatter

In one of his overrated books (probably this one) Dave Eggers sounds off for about 10 pages on what he considers the most misused word in the English language - 'irony'. With all due respect to Mr. Eggers we think 'boutique hotel' is making a late charge.

Anyone can call their establishment a 'boutique hotel' and in Buenos Aires it seems everyone does. There's no inspector to come and take your star away, no Simon Cowell to take you down a peg or two. In fact some boutique hotel owners consider the star system naff, outmoded and irredeemably bourgeois. To illustrate this here's an excerpt from a press release from the owner of the very poor Che Lulu Trendy Hotel, who's also a partner in the Onzé Trendy Hotel we had a good poke at above:

Being an avant-garde and `trendy' hotel, Che Lulu has revisited the `Art of Lodging', leaving behind the old hotel rating system that uses stars.

So there we have it. If you're avant-garde and 'trendy' you don't need stars. It would only mislead potential guests who might not be smart enough to realise that a two-star hotel is avant-garde and 'trendy'. Toilets don't flush? Who cares when there's abstract art hung in the lobby? Hot water erratic? But look at the bright orange bespoke egg chairs on the patio!

If this sounds like a rant that's because it is. We're angry because there are many many fantastic boutique hotels and guesthouses in BA which seem to be laboring under the false impression that a lodging can be both trendy and avant-garde and professional. These places and their owners are so conservative and stuck in the mud they persist against all logic in doing things like a) training their staff to high levels; b) treating customers like guests rather than extras in a circus routine; c) translating their website into readable English; d) telling the truth about their location (more on that below). What are these people on?

Tomorrow we'll be listing and reviewing some of BA's best boutique hotels and guesthouses. For now we need to get a few more things off our chest.

A step-by-step guide to having your own boutique hotel in Buenos Aires

1) Empty your house. Divorce your partner, send the kids to boarding school, euthanize granny, whatever it takes to make some space.

2) Throw out everything that isn't avant-garde and trendy. The more comfortable a piece of furniture is, the more it needs to be thrown out.

3) Place an order with the friendly guys at Boutique Fittings Ltd. They'll deliver your 'bespoke' butterfly chairs, untreated wood decking and zinc bar within 24 hours.

4) Buy a shitload of bamboo. It doesn't matter what you do with it but you have to have bamboo.

5) Call your six-year-old (he's at boarding school now, remember). Get him to do you some paintings and send them back by DHL. Frame these and hang them in the lobby.

6) Put an advert in the local rag which reads 'Waifs required to work in hotel reception. Previous experience disadvantageous. Must be able to look bored. Low pay.' Employ the first two that turn up.

7) Eat a tin of alphabet soup. Wait a couple of hours. Excrete. The order in which the letters come out is the name of your hotel. If you get backed up, simply name your staggering work of heartbreaking genius after its street address.

8) Get someone to build a website. Use lots of Flash. Translate the spanish original into complete gobbledegook.

9) Invite travel writers like us to your opening party. Free booze equals good reviews.

10) Say Abracadabra! and open your Aladdin's cave to an adoring public.

Legality

Of course, the list above is purely satirical, a ridiculous simplification of the real challenges involved in getting your own lodging up and running, right? Because you need things like planning permission, a safety certificate and a licence, right? Wrong. Not in BA. Exclusively for HotelChatter, we did a bit of Woodward and Bernstein and found ourselves a Deep Throat in BA's city hall. DT told us that around half the new boutique hotels and lodgings in BA are operating illegally. This may not bother you. Some of these illegal hotels are pretty good. But it may interest your travel insurance broker if your luggage goes missing.

Location, location, location or Lies, lies and more damned lies

Most of BA's best boutiques (shops as well as hotels) are in Palermo Viejo, a cobblestoned district with low-slung housing that lets the sun in. It's packed with restaurants and bars and all things nice. But not every hotel that claims to be in the 'heart' of this fashionable barrio actually is. New boutique 1551 Palermo, for instance, is closer to the kidneys, despite what the website says. It's not a bad hotel but it's on a dark and dingy sidestreet without a 'trendy' bar or shop in sight. If you care about such things, check before you book.

Added-value services

City tours, tango lessons, bike rides, birdwatching excursions - they're all on the website, they're almost always sub-contracted, and the hotel is taking a nice little slice each time. Buy a travel guide or surf the web and cut out the middle man. The same goes for the restaurants and shops the waif at the desk recommends to you.

Design

Most BA boutique hotels rave about their 'striking' design scheme - and they're not referring to the physical effect of a wonky (but avant-garde and trendy) closet door landing on your head. Writer and NY Times contributor Ian Mount has given us a line on this we can't improve upon:

A high proportion of BA boutique hotels look like they were designed by Philippe Starck's younger, dull-normal, less-talented brother.

Spleen vented. Tomorrow we promise to be all sweetness and light and to actually provide you with some practical information. We'll be giving short reviews of BA's best boutique hotels and guesthouses, some of which are well-known and some of which deserve to be better known.

[Photo: Peter Haug]

Tags: Buenos Aires Hotel Reviews / Buenos Aires Hotel Guide / Buenos Aires Boutique Hotels / Matt Chesterton

by MattyC