HotelChatter

We assume nothing. A very well-known travel journalist, however, sent us this glowing testimonial:

Alan Faena is by no means your stereotypical macho Argentine hombre of yore, cut from tough leather and cured meats. Rather he combines the excesses of the modern Argentine male - self-importance, unfounded confidence, bogus and parochial patriotism - with those of your prettiest, poutiest, pottiest porteña: extreme vanity, fashionista obsessiveness and a forthright, overwhelming ignorance of art, culture, history and the meaning of life.

Like we said, he's one of those guys you either loathe or hate. But here's the case for the defense. Please answer yes or no to the questions below:

Would you care to stay in a luxury design hotel owned and run by, say, Jimmy Carter?

Are you attracted by an LDH which is said to be `refreshingly unpretentious'?

Do you think that money invested on marble urinals which say 'Thank you' in a Japanese accent after you flush them would be better spent on easing Third World debt?

If you answered `no' each time, you're in our camp. Just as the Devil has all the good tunes, waffle-spouting megalomaniacs have all the best LDHs. Pretentiousness? Bring it on. As for question 3, we've calculated that you can buy over 200,000 marble urinals for the cost of one bunker bomb.

End of preamble. Is the Faena Hotel + Universe any good? Mostly it is. Visually, it's ball-grabbing. Monsieur Starck earned his euros. Like the best candy bars, what you see on the outside (in this case an austere early 20th-century grain silo, scrubbed and spotlit) gives little away as to what lies within (lush damasks and brilliant whites, wardrobes on claws as if ready to pounce, wall-mounted unicorn heads, a bit of Narnia here, a bit of 1940s BA there, and so on). The rooms are roomy, the rainforest showers perfect for sharing, the ring-binders stuffed with press clippings extolling the genius of Alan, impressively arrogant. The restaurants look great, the chefs don't cook great. Same with the Pool Bar; lovely setting, quick service, yukky cocktails. There's a resident German DJ who plays Bavarian oompah faves such as Edelveiss, the Beer Barrel Polka and Hoop-Dee-Doo. That's a lie of course; he plays superfly techno and trance.

But by far the best thing about the Faena is the staff. They're as down to earth as the decor is heavenly. They're self-confident and professional and therefore aren't interested in out-cooling the guests. Several of the `Experience Managers' have been there since the hotel opened - a millenium in this industry. We particularly recommend Nora. We've managed to write a cynicism-free paragraph.

We'll put that right with a sharp knee in the groin to Design Suites & Towers. Trust us, it lives down to its reputation. If you want to partake of the Design Suites experience, here's a simpler, cheaper alternative: Break into an Ikea store at night with a microwave and a stale sandwich and try to get the security guard to bring you a glass of wine. You'll end up spending the night in a police cell, which will still be more comfortable than a room at Design Suites. And you'll get to make two phone calls without being billed for them.

Time to get serious, because the new Park Hyatt in the stunning belle epoque Palacio Duhau is a serious venture. A year before it opened the Hyatt's press office were telling anyone who'd listen about how they were going to deliver a Flying Corkscrew Clothesline to every other luxury pad in the city. To switch sporting metaphors, they were Cassius Clay, the Alvear was Sonny Liston, and they were going to whup that big ugly bear.

Despite the blend of opulence and minimalism (a chandelier in one room, a designer dimmable spotlamp in the next), the marble and the Grecian columns, the three restaurants and the 3,000 bottle vinoteca, it hasn't quite happened. Many complain about the sullen service, the lack of bilingual staff, the 'Is this really what I'm paying 500 bucks for?' feeling upon entering the rooms. We talked to Tim Robertson, one of BA's top wine dealers (who naturally has a special interest in the vinoteca) and he told us this:

This Hotel Chain has had its door open for over six months, one would have though enough time to get it right and it really hasn't. I always liked the Hyatt Chain, but both these hotels (Park Hyatt Buenos Aires and Park Hyatt Mendoza) have serious service problems. A complete shame - both hotels could be 5 stars. The only consolation is the fantastic service of the Head Sommelier, Marcello Rebole (BA), who presides with great presence over all three spaces to eat. The Vinoteca is a great place to take a glass of wine and check out their amazing cheese boards. It is a truly lovely area, although the wines are highly priced - another great shame.

In other words, proceed with caution. The Hyatt could still be a contender. We'll keep an eye on it.

We'll round-off this round-up with three cheers and a hearty slap on the back for the Hotel Madero, an example of how a LDH can benefit from a lack, rather than an excess, of hype (are you listening, Hyatt?). If you're the kind of corporate traveler who spent ten months designing the business card and two months setting up the business, you'll love the Madero. The rooms in this 193-room Puerto Madero lodging (it's close to the Faena) are simple and chic, it's got a rooftop pool you might actually want to use, the restaurant (Red) serves up some of the best modern Argentinian cuisine in town and the White Bar some of the best cocktails. It's worth a trip over the docks even if you're not staying there.

Best of the rest

Esplendor de Buenos Aires, Hotel Emperador

One to watch

725 Buenos Aires

Tomorrow we'll be taking our first look at BA's boutique hotel and guesthouse scene. Exciting, no?