Not every hotel with the word 'palace' in its name lives up to expectations. For example, while it's clear that the Corn Palace Motel in Mitchell, South Dakota, is a fine establishment (it's 'in close proximity to gas stations' and has 'faxing capabilities and ice') a question mark must hang over whether or not they wax and polish their silverware daily.

They do at BA's Alvear Palace Hotel where the knives are so shiny you can use them to check the state of your molars. In the five-star business since 1932, the Alvear is easily the most famous, if not necessarily the best, hotel in the city. The pros? A location on the most upscale avenue (Avenida Alvear) in BA's most upscale barrio (Recoleta), fittings and facilities which seamlessly blend the best of ancient and modern, 100 suites that are among the largest in the city (ask for one with a TV in the toilet), and the sensation of being astrally projected back to BA's grain-rich golden age. The cons? For some, the aforementioned nostalgia factor, which may leave you feeling more like a witness at a pageant than a guest at a banquet. Also, you don't have to stay at the Alvear to enjoy its top amenities, the La Bourgogne restaurant and the La Orangerie bar and buffet (don't leave BA without 'taking' afternoon tea here). But if you like the idea of sprawling out on a Louis Quinze while watching the sports on a 25-inch plasma, and don't mind dropping $1,000 upwards per night for a suite, plump for the Palace.

If you share Henry Ford's dim view of history you may, however, prefer to bunk down at Caesar Park or at the Four Seasons, both close to the Alvear. For connoisseurs of hotel website glurge, the Caesar's mission statement takes some beating:

Due to their prestige, tradition, and cosmopolitan ambience, the Caesar Park hotels have become reference points for the business, social, artistic, and cultural life of each of the cities in which they are located.

This is too weird (are they the hospitality branch of UNESCO?) to be worth fisking, but the Caesar is nonetheless a fine hotel, selling risk-free luxury to risk-averse travelers. Everything gleams, from the marble staircases to the gilt-trimmed furnishings to the name badges pinned to the helpful staff. The lounge has a resident pianist. (One way to find out if a hotel is a trad pad or a designer joint is to ask if their resident musician is a pianist or a German DJ). Note that only 18 of the Caesar's 148 rooms are suites and that their rates aren't much below the Alvear's.

The Four Seasons is better in every way. The BA TripAdvisor board groans with FS plaudits - best facilities, best service -- often, best hotel in the city. Everyone has stayed here, from the Rolling Stones to U2 to Fidel Castro (a bad tipper according to a reliable source). The celebs check in to the château-styled, paparazzi-proofed mansion behind the main tower, with its seven luxury suites and army of Jeeveses on 24-hour standby. ("Another Guinness, Mr Bono?" "More Doritos, Mr The Edge?")

By the law of averages you're probably a nonentity, but don't worry, you'll still get the benefit of the Seasons' peerless concierge service. These folk are paragons of knowledge and unflappability with, as one contributor to the TripAdvisor board puts it, "an inability to say no." They don't forget names (even silly ones), they know where you should eat, drink and shop, they respond unsmirkingly to stupid questions, they'd even sit through a Martin Lawrence movie with you if you asked them to. They probably know where Osama Bin Laden is.

We'd like to find something to knock about the FS but it isn't easy. Let's just say this: If you've stayed in a good Four Seasons before, you won't find anything here you weren't expecting. No nasty surprises but no good ones either.

The best of the rest:

Sofitel Buenos Aires, Claridge Hotel, the Hilton Buenos Aires.

Losing their lustre:

Marriott Plaza, Panamericano Hotel & Resort.

[Photo: simple112 & dodd]

Brace yourselves, because tomorrow we'll be getting, like, totally hip and contemporary and looking at BA's newest and grooviest luxury hotels.