HotelChatter

Cliche 1: Hotels in Buenos Aires are 'dirt cheap'

This is the Ebola of viral BA rumours. If we had a buck for every time we'd read this one, we'd probably be able to afford a night in one of BA's better hotels. It simply isn't true. The average BA hotel review is a bizarre flame sandwich which goes something like this: 'Hotel X is a real find, folks. The service is erratic, the breakfast is stale, and the premises aren't quite located where the website said they were. But at these prices, who's complaining!' We're complaining - just a tad. Most of BA's hotels are actually overpriced. Since the currency devaluation of 2002, they've been able to charge their customers in US dollars at international rates while paying their staff, suppliers and contractors in Argentine pesos at local rates. One dollar is worth three Argentine pesos. Do the math. If you can't do the the math, you're either innumerate or a travel writer.

Cliche 2: There were no decent hotels in BA prior to the recent tourist boom

This is just froth which by definition doesn't penetrate beneath the surface. You'll read a lot about the 'miraculous' expansion in the BA hotel sector since 2002, the 'explosion' of boutique lodgings, the 'incredible' transformation of a city where tourists used to sleep rough on the streets into one where every second block has a bright, shiny new inn. Two points can be made here. First, many of BA's best hotels and guesthouses were either up and running before the tourist boom (the Alvear Palace, the Four Seasons, the NH Jousten, 1555 Malabia House) or were in mid construction (Faena Hotel + Universe). Second, there's nothing miraculous or even surprising about a hotel boom in a city whose visitor numbers have increased around fourfold since 1999. It would have been amazing if it hadn't happened. But that doesn't make good copy.

Cliche 3: Argentinians are famous for their warmth and hospitality

Indeed they are, and rightly so. Just as Michael Jackson is famous for perfecting the moonwalk during the early 1980s -- and rightly so. But, for what we suppose were good reasons, this achievement didn't form a major plank of his defense team's strategy during the King of Pop's child molestation trial. A virtue, however endearing, shouldn't be used to paper over fundamental flaws. But in the case of BA's hotel industry, it often is. So what if the reception staff can't add up my bill? Those girls are hot and they kiss me every time I hand my keys in! What, no soap in my bathroom? Who cares? The owner gave me a big hug, told me they'd be new soap by Friday, and invited me to his sister's wedding! We exaggerate - but only a little. So forget all the patronising bosh about 'latin temperament': charm and efficiency are not mutually exclusive. Enjoy the former and demand the latter.

Cliche 4: Boutique and design hotels simply teem with beautiful people

Anyone who's ever been anywhere knows that the best-looking travellers stay in the cheapest hostels. (How they smell, of course, is another matter.) By general consensus we're ugly as sin, but the last time we were at the Pool Bar in the Faena Hotel (BA's design hotel par excellence) we stood up well against the competition simply by virtue of not being a paunchy Miami software tycoon with matted chest hair who looked like Ron Jeremy after a long day's shoot. We're not knocking that look, it's a classic. We just mention it to prove that you'll find all kinds of fauna at the Faena, just as you will everywhere else.

Cliches 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10: Argentinians are obsessed with meat, they all have therapists, every second woman has fake tits, anal sex is the standard position, there's a kosher McDonald's, the male genital waxing industry is booming

All wrong bar the last two. More proof that truth is stranger than journalism.

Ok, enough kvetching already. Most of the above gripes relate to how Buenos Aires and its hotel sector are represented in the media; the hotels themselves, with a few exceptions, we love. In the next nine nail-biting episodes you'll find comment and analysis on old luxury mansions, new trendsetting pleasuredomes, bargain boutiques, kitsch curios, classic (i.e. ugly) 1970s throwbacks, gay raunchpads, hedonistic hostels, hotels they forgot to tear down, hotels they never got round to finishing, hotels still on the drawing board. This series will be subjective, biased, prejudiced and scintillating. Feel free to respond in kind.

A short but incredibly helpful sort of glossary

Porteños the inhabitants of Buenos Aires

parrilla steakhouse

barrio neighborhood

Microcentro Downtown BA: deranged during the day, dead at night; corporate hotels, classic buildings, most likely place to get hit by a bus.

San Telmo BA's old town, with cobblestoned streets, and 19th-century mansions currently being sliced and diced into loft apartments, hostels and boutique hotels. Has rodent issues.

Recoleta Posh, Parisian, cheap Ralph Lauren and Louis Vuitton outlets, old-school luxury hotels and mansions, famous cemetery, a bit dull and staid if you're under 70.

Palermo Confusingly split into a gazillion sub-barrios. Palermo Viejo (itself split unofficially into Palermo Soho and Palermo Hollywood) is the city's hippest neighbourhood, a consumer playground of small shops, lovely boutique hotels and decent restaurants. We'll be talking about it a lot.