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Where Your Grandparents Want To Stay: The Randolph

The Randolph is one of those 5-star hotels which survive over the centuries trading on a crumbling English grandeur that should have died out with the end of the British empire.

Cobweb-strung, tarnished brass, frayed velvet cushions and old-fashioned taps. Tiny, tiny, tiny lifts, probably installed during the last 'recent' refurbishment in the year 2000. Heavy bedspreads, thick curtains and stiff detachable collars on the waiters - you get the picture.

That's why people pay from £138 ($280) to £438 (£880) to stay here, and that's why, if you have any sense, you won't bother.

The Randolph is five minutes from the centre, opposite Oxford's famous Ashmolean Museum, a smaller version of London's British Museum. The hotel could be included in it. Built in 1864, it's not actually that old, but it does a good job of looking it. They do a good job of talking it, too. The website informs you that "A mullet in heraldry, was Old French for a spur, rowel and was portrayed as a star with five points." What relevance that has to your over-decorated and slightly stuffy hotel room, only an Oxford don would know.

The wiring's dodgy - one night during our stay the room's electrical circuit blew and no-one could reset it until lunchtime. And the floors must be thin - the next day it rained on our bed when the large lady in the suite above overflowed her bath. But your grandparents are short-sighted and happy staying in a hotel for its reputation.

Where You Want To Stay: The Old Bank Hotel

You, you young and stylish city-hopper grandchild, will stay at the Old Bank Hotel. Over a hundred years older than Randolph but a hundred times better, in every way.

The Old Bank's actually more an art gallery than a hotel. It was created in 1999 by a collector of contemporary British Art and you'll be sleeping amongst Stanley Spencers and other greats. And the hotel's not a great secret - it stands right in the main Oxford High Street - but you'll have to book a whole way in advance to get one of its only 42 rooms.

Apart from the art, which you won't get elsewhere, it's hard to put a finger on exactly why the Old Bank's worth its 4-star prices - around £175 ($350) for a double room per night. But it is. It's comfortable, clean and stylish and it has what you need - internet, flat-screen TV, a massage salon and the rest - where you can find it. Shiny bathrooms, chenille headboards and silk-trimmed sheets.

Chilled out and unpretentious, good views over dreamy spires from the suites - get a sloping attic room for olde English romance - and subdued, fresh décor with perhaps a little hint too much of cream and beige. And relaxed and friendly staff. Most of the time.

But you'll have to do as the Brits do and take your grandparents for a slap-up Indian curry in the evening. British hotels have a reputation for bad food, and in these two cases it's pretty well deserved. Old Bank's Quod restaurant has a little terrace but no imagination: typical burgers and tough char-grilled tuna steak. While the Randolph's restaurant proudly boasts recently gaining a second AA rosette.

Well, I say, congratulations.

[Photo 1: Chuck_J_Harder; Photo 2: Old Bank Hotel]

[Photo: phototram]

Tags: Oxford Hotel Reviews / Luxury Hotels / Hotel Restaurants

by femmefatale