You can't find your room when you get to the floor, because they don't have any lights on in the dingy, dark corridors and the signs are hidden round the corner. The rooms are, well, beige and boring. An airless cupboard for a gym.

We can all put up with poor facilities if we get friendly and efficient service. "A world created from small gracious gestures where the fine art of hospitality is cultivated," says the Bairro Alto's website. Very small gestures - missed them all. And you'd cultivate a better art of hospitality in a petri dish.

Fancy some lunch? You try to have lunch on the roof terrace. Get told off for waiting for a table. Told off for sitting down when a table becomes free. Told off for taking a photo. Is there copyright on the upholstery? Told off for rushing the waiter when you try - 15 minutes in - to order a beer. Told off for hanging around at the bar when you try - 15 minutes after that - to actually be served your beer.

Told off for asking for bread - where else can you pay over 10 euros to eat a watery tomato and mozzarella salad with not even a crust to fill your belly? Have to eat off your knees - get told off for wiping the oil you spill on our trousers with the napkins.

Then you get told very firmly that service is strictly not included and that it's normal to add a 15 percent tip. Tip him over the edge, we say.

With all due respect to Condé Nast Traveller, who in a moment of madness listed the hotel as one of the 60 best recently-opened hotels in 2006, they probably only went to the launch party. Or else only 60 were opened.

We vote hotel booby prize for the Hotel Bairro Alto, Lisbon. Any other candidates? List 'em below.

[Photo: Thingummyjig]

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· Monica Guy [HotelChatter]