HotelChatter

Guest Criteria
-You're over 23 but definitely under 30.
-You use a tub of hairgel every morning and evening, and sometimes one for lunch.
-Your clothes are designer without the showy label.
-You're either gay or bisexual (but preferably not transsexual).
-You sniff coke several times a day and more often at weekends (a pre-requisite for the staff at least).
-You have, have had or are likely to have an eating disorder.
-And it helps if your ass is so tight you couldn't crack a walnut because you couldn't fit one in there.

My boss is 65 and none of the rest of the above, but he doesn't care and we stay there all the time.

The Decor
The St Martin's Lane is going-on minimalist inside. Tiny rooms, low beds, starched white sheets, disorientating colour-changing lights behind them. No plug sockets. Very minimalist. Triangular toiletries.

Asia de Cuba Restaurant
Describes itself as a place for "for global travelers with a cultured palate and a love of variety." Describes me perfectly. But! They won't let you choose what you want to eat and then eat it, like other restaurants.

They make you choose what you want to eat and then share it with everyone else. Which is very carey-sharey, unless you're vegetarian, in which case everyone helps themselves to your beans while you're in the loo and leaves you with a slice of lemon and a parsley steak garnish.

The Light Bar
Misnomer of the century! The Light Bar is so dark you can't see what colour cocktail you're drinking. They do flash around some pretty lights once in a while, which is very disorientating. Funny-looking clientele, although I've just read on their website that "the walls are hung with enormous black & white close-up photographs of people making funny expressions" so maybe I'm mistaken about that.

It's not light on your head, either - it's a thumping club with thumping DJs every weekend. There are silver mushrooms in the foyer to sit on when your head finally thumps off.

The Bottom Line
If you're a trend-setting style guru who can roll elegantly out of the low beds and starched white sheets with your hairstyle neatly gelled in place, you'll love it.

If you're a farmer's wife...then stay in your farmhouse. You ain't got a chance, darling.

[Photo: Supercake]

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