
The rooms
The bed's so bouncy you have to bounce up and down several times to get out. And that's if you can find your way out of the bedspread. You try to look out of the window and get suffocated by the curtains. You lie in the marble bath and do your 40 lengths. But that's a bit lonely, so you whizz down to the spa in the basement...
The spa
...where an attractive man offers you a bathing suit, drapes you carefully in white towelling robes (I asked if he'd rub me down, too, but no luck), brings you glasses of tonic and gives you advice on your breaststroke. You can get beautiful specially imported Thai ladies to smooth out your wrinkles, pummel your shoulder-blades, or cover you in mud.
Time for breakfast
Looks like a wedding breakfast. Glass of champagne, anyone? Tea bags are made out of reinforced silk thread.
Time for lunch
The Cinq is a 2-Michelin star extravaganza of a dining experience under the saintly gaze of Philippe Legendre. And a legend he is too. He doesn't like vegetarians or animal rights protestors who refuse to eat fois gras. Arteries are made out of reinforced titanium. It's also the restaurant where the notoriously bling-bling president Nicolas Sarkozy celebrated his election victory. Must be fancy.
You can order your dinner and a full complement of waiters up to your suite if you like. My boss did that one day, although he nearly threw up over the bill afterwards.
Why go?
If you're the kind of person who eats ripe cheese without bread, who scoffs truffles in the morning, who pours cream on their cereal and spends their weekends sniffing antiques, then start saving your pennies. The George V'll make your painted toenails curl.
If your idea of luxury is more like mine, then pick a sunny day, buy a ripe camembert and a bottle of Merlot, find some good company, and settle down on a blanket on the bank of a river. Luxury.
Other luxury hotels in Paris:
L'Hôtel:
The classic of all classic hotels, the old 'Love Pavilion' of Queen Margot. No joke! Even Oscar Wilde deigned to die here. The list of celeb guests takes up several hundred megabytes of their website and Jacques Garcia has just renovated the place. Bootiful.
Hôtel Daniel:
Exotic mysticism from the east. The hotel equivalent of an orchid. Don't go if you have a loud voice or you're a bull in a china shop.
Hôtel Concorde St-Lazare:
Soundproofed windows! Luxury. The Taittinger champagne man renovated the foyer and it's now classed as a historical monument. Sonia Rykeil designed the bar and brasserie. No putting your feet up in the lounge. Good for designer shopping if you have any money left over.
Chateau de Montvillargenne
Picture-postcard chateau about 20 km from Paris - perfect for an easy flight and quiet romantic weekend. There's a whirlpool tub in every room, an indoor pool and sauna if you want company and three golf courses in which to lose your husband.
[Photo of George V room: AmandaNYC]
Related Stories:
· Paris Hotel Guide [HotelChatter]
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