HotelChatter

The standard rooms are all suite-sized with a balcony (or patio) on which to appreciate the beautiful evenings.  There are two bottles of Fiji water and plate full of cookies waiting for you, complimentary.  Everything looks fresh, clean and new.  More water and treats are delivered with the nightly turn-down.  (The profuseness of gratis bottled water is important because the water as it comes out of the tap is gag-inducing; probably desalinated.)

The five residential buildings surround the pool on three sides.  The pool is a beauty: formed in a curvaceous, meandering shape that envelops a hot tub and a swim up bar-and-grill eventually ending in infinity. It is nicely appointed with lounge chairs and umbrellas with attendants to raise them.  More entertainingly, there are four "pods", or circular day beds, that are the target of fervent attention.  They are highly desired but not reservable.  You can spot type-A personalities as they dash out of bed bright and early to deposit belongings on them as a territorial claim, and jealously guard them throughout the day because if they are left alone for an undefined length of time the attendants will give them away.   Highly comical how some people escape to paradise then immediately seek out their habitual stress level.

(By the way, this unstructured pod policy would make my buddy Steve Wynn's head explode. He'd be charging $500 for a half-day -- $750 on weekends -- with bottle service required and a week's notice for cancellation.)

Beyond the pool is the legendary Grace Bay Beach and it is as fabulous as its reputation suggests.  A multi-mile long crescent with powdery sand and crystal clear water tinted slightly green and turning a deep turquoise beyond the shallows.  The sea is warm, buoyant and calm.  In the off-season, activity is very light.

In the interest of piling-on, there is also an engaging full-service spa facility with a good sized work-out room.  Like everything else it is beautifully architectured and landscaped.  

All this beauty and opulence comes at a price, however.  Only by securing the cheapest possible room in lowest possible season could I fit it into my budget.  But the mitigating factor is that the nightly rate includes near all-inclusive services.  

You get free breakfast; and it's not stale Danishes and a pot of coffee that has been sitting on the burner for an hour-and-a-half, it's a full breakfast buffet including made to order omelets and waffles.  Also complimentary are bottled water throughout the day, non-motorized water sports (sea kayaks, Hobie cats, snorkel gear), beach cabanas (while supplies last), business center and wireless, morning yoga classes, and even an iPod to use for the duration of your stay.  The only thing left to pay for is your remaining meals which are, not unexpectedly, overpriced; figure close to $40 for a drink and a solid, if unspectacular, entree.  So you eat a big breakfast and skip lunch.  All in all, the cost looks a little better when you figure everything in.

The Palms has it all, and it seems to work extremely well as long as you stay within the resort.  Many guests -- perhaps a majority -- will do just that.  It's when you have to interact with the outside world that things can get dicey.

I had it in my head to explore the island a bit (and maybe find a less expensive place for dinner) so I stopped at the concierge desk one morning to inquire about a car.  They told me a small car could be had for $39/day.  Great, I said, I'll stop by after breakfast and finalize arrangements.  Of course, it was not to be so simple.

After breakfast I was told that there were no small cars available, but Avis could rent me a jeep for $69/day.  I found it strange that in the off-season there was not a small car to be had on the island.  I also found it strange that Avis, which typically has a policy of giving you an upgrade for the same price if the car you want is not available, would not then offer me a jeep for the lower price.  Neither of these observations seemed to incite any action on the part of the concierge beyond a shrug.  I strongly suspected a game of soak the tourist was being played, but my options were to call around the island on my own to see what I could work out or just deal with it.  Since I only wanted the car for a day, I chose to just deal with it and asked them to have Avis bring over a jeep for me at 3pm.

Come 3pm, no one from Avis was to be seen, so I checked with the concierge who told me that instead of Avis, they had arranged for my jeep to come from a place with the professional sounding name of Scooter Bob's.  Hmmm, I wondered whether they had gotten a better price for me there, but there was no representative from Scooter Bob's there either. Apparently, Scooter Bob just dropped off the jeep and the left the key with the concierge.

It was very surprising to get handed a key without having anyone even check that my license was valid, never mind get a credit card number.  The concierge just guessed that Scooter Bob would make arrangements with me when I was done.  I was given pause when I noticed the keychain had the word "mayhem" printed on it.  

I was given yet more pause when I saw the "jeep" -- a clapped-out Geo Tracker, with no rear window, no a/c, a manual transmission, and a nicely lit "check engine" light.  The word "mayhem" was printed on the front in stick-on lettering.  Luckily, all this shabbiness was offset by the brightly polished chrome wheels that were probably worth more than the entire vehicle.

I had to laugh.  It was if someone asked Scooter Bob for a car, and Scooter Bob asked the gangsta wanna-be teenager down the street if he could borrow his ride.  At this point I was in roll-with-it mode so I managed to get around for the day in "mayhem" -- it is not a big island and you can't go over 40 mph anyway.  

The next day I dropped off the key with the concierge and suggested they have Scooter Bob contact me when they get there to pick it up.  The concierge (a different person than the day before) was surprised that they had not taken credit card info from me when they dropped it off.  It was my turn to shrug.

I never got a call from the concierge or Scooter Bob.  I mentioned it again at checkout the next day, but nobody had heard from Scooter Bob and nobody seemed to feel an urgent need to follow up.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but my shuttle was leaving and, well, if Scooter Bob was concerned about getting my money, I figured he would ask The Palms to get in touch with me.

Imagine my shock when upon my return I discovered a charge for $79 to my credit card from "Holiday Rentals" which, presumably, is Scooter Bob's legal name.

Now, despite the abysmal incompetence of their concierge staff, it is not technically the fault The Palms if Scooter Bob wants to soak me for the clapped-out piece of crap they referred to as a "jeep".  That's for me and Scooter Bob to work out.  What is a huge black mark against The Palms is that they gave my credit card information away to a third party without my consent!  That is an egregious violation of my privacy and security.  I am stunned that a hotel of such seeming quality would do such a thing.

Subsequent investigation suggests that quality at The Palms may not go all that deep.  Their background press release states:

The concierges provide world-class service as members of Clefs d'Or, a society of veteran concierges in high-quality international hotels.

Among other things, Clefs d'Or requires its members have a minimum of three years full time concierge experience.  I cannot imagine that was the case with the ones I dealt with.  Some of them seemed like they might have just started that week.  None of them appeared to be manning the desk full time.  They also claim:

The Palms is a member of the prestigious, "The Leading Small Hotels of the World."

But they are not listed on the associated website.  Just an oversight?

Suspicions aside, I don't quite know what conclusion to draw on The Palms.  The fact is, apart from the rental car fiasco, everything was top notch and I suspect most people would never run into the troubles I did.  Reviews from guests tend to be way over to the positive side of the scale.  The concierge issues could be chalked up to a garden variety bad service experience that happens from time to time.  But I cannot accept them handing out my credit card number without my authorization.

The Palms may be a sweet place, but I'm left with too many open suspicions to be certain of that.  Other things equal, I would suggest staying elsewhere.

Image via Courtney May/Flickr

Related Stories:
· The Palms reviews [TripAdvisor]

Tags: Turks and Caicos Hotel Reviews / Hotel Cars

by dzot