HotelChatter

Trust Funder with a Wandering Eye

Dear Gabe,

Hi, I’m Samantha. I’m a student at Cornell (GO BIG RED!) and I’m dying to get out of the cold. I’m thinking about South Beach for spring break. I haven’t touched my trust fund in weeks and I’d like to stay in a real posh hotel with my sorority sisters (Sigma Delta Tau). Any advice?

Samantha,

I have to be honest; I hated people like you. Do you hear me? HATED!!! You walked around campus looking all hot with your stuck up friends and you’d never give a guy like me the time of day. But now look Samantha, you’re crawling to me for help. When I left you I was the mere apprentice…now I’m the master!

The Tides is just about the most breathtaking hotel on the planet. You’ll be catered to like royalty and the ocean is in spitting distance from your oceanfront room. It will run you anywhere between $550 to $3000 a night but towel service is free at the pool. High-powered Telescopes come standard in every room and this novel feature enables you to clearly see the man on the moon, or the man who shouldn’t be wearing a Speedo out in public.

Hot Chick Looking For A Modeling Cotract

Dear Gabe,

I’m freezing my buns off up here at Depaul but I’m not a trust fund baby like Samantha. My girlfriends and I have been saving up since freshman year and we’d like to get down to South Beach, but we can’t afford The Tides. What’s the next step or two down from there? I’m a big fan of your columns by the way. It’s like you’re speaking to just me. I hope you like the pic I attached LOL!

Thanks,

Bellagio

Dear Bellagio,

Depaul is a great school. They’re doing innovative stuff with thermodynamics and seahorse cloning. Anywhose, check out The Marlin Hotel. It’s located just a block off the beach, and is still a tad pricey at $225 a night. However, if you split the cost between you and your cute little friends, you should have some money left over for a few cocktails.

South Beach Studios is located in the Marlin and top acts like Mick Jagger, Tommy Lee, and Beyonce have all recorded there. Understandably, this hotel’s lobby is one of the hottest spots in SoBe.

Thanks for the hot photo by the way. [photo dedacted for privacy reasons]

Joe Sixpack: Looking for Liquid Courage and a Lover

Hey Dude!

I heard the chicks in Miami are ridiculous. Can you please take a picture of the hottest chick you find and post it up on the site? And by the way, you’re obviously making these questions up yourself. How could Bellagio know about Samantha’s trust fund if both questions were posted on the same day? Which means your talking to yourself this very second. And that’s a little freaky. I’m sure no one emails you. You probably don’t even have a staff. I bet you’re living with your friend in some crappy condo and sharing a bathroom because your girlfriend kicked you out of the apartment. But I’ll play along and make up a fake name too.

Thanks man,

Bart Finklestein

5th year senior – KU

Mr. Finlkestein seems to have partied a bit too much and now sounds a little delusional. But out of the kindness of my heart, I fulfilled his request.

Isn’t she stunning? This Russian goddess is the hostess at the Fairwind Island Bar & Tropical Grill that is directly adjacent to the Fairwind Hotel & Suites.

The Fairwind Hotel has officially earned my BEST DEAL IN SOUTH BEACH award. It’s in the heart of all the action and is just as strikingly art deco as much more expensive hotels. The spring break rate is only $150 a night plus tax and that’s a drop in the bucket for the area. Especially since you’ll get an automatic 20% off at the bar.

Compared to the plethora of N.Y.C and L.A. wannabe nightclubs in South Beach, you’ll find a far less trendy scene at The Fairwind Island Bar. Even though you can party like an animal into the wee hours of morning only sporting shorts and a t-shirt, celebs like Cameron Diaz and high profile hiphop stars are still caught hobnobbing there often.

And for your information Bart, I have my own bathroom.

Broke, Drug Addled, Sex Toy Lover

Gabe,

I’m planning on driving down to South Beach for spring break. I barely have any cash and after the gas money is gone, I’ll barely have a pot to piss in. I’d rather not crash on the beach. Any suggestions?

Anonymous

Hey man, I can totally relate. Call the Miami Beach International Travelers Hostel in advance to find out about availability (800.878.6787). A room for four is just $19 a night. But I have to warn you; the place smells like a moldy sex toy shop. And as you can tell from their bathroom, they barely have a pot to piss in as well.

Young Republican Wanker

Mr. Berman,

My name is Wade Gilmore and I’m the president of the Young Republicans organization at my college. Please suggest a hotel that would be an appropriate setting for myself and other like-minded individuals in our dorm.

Sincerely,

Wade Gilmore III

How about this one:

Thank you…don’t forget to tip your cocktail waitresses… I’ll be here all week…goodnight.