HotelChatter

A few days ago, at 3:00 in the morning, and after being awake for twenty-two and a half hours, my plan for this story seemed pretty cut and dry. I was to simply waltz into five of the top hotels in Downtown Miami, charm the pants off of the front desk staff, click a few pictures and then get home just in time for a West Wing re-run. During the commercials, I was hoping to design color-coded graphs and charts that would clearly illustrate the correlation between room rates and front desk beauty. But I think it was Hemingway, Stienbrenner, or maybe some other famous guy who once said: the best laid plans of mice and men often get...umm...well, you know you what I'm trying to say.

Do I look like a hardcore pornographer?I must, because you should have seen the way front desk ladies were back-flipping like Mary Lou Retton to get out of the focus of my Nikon. And then it took at least five minutes of Jedi mind tricks to win the trust in order to obtain a straight answer about room rates and availability. I quickly realized, all I would uncover in this mission is how five hotels dealt with annoying questions. But even though this mission was full of glitches, enough information was scientifically gathered, with just small standard deviation of error, to produce the following results. Well there are no results, in effect all I have is these stories:

JW Marriott

My first stop was JW Marriot. After climbing marble steps that may have been ripped right out of Versailles, I concocted some story about my flight being cancelled. Therefore, I was investigating room availability. To break the ice a bit more with the decent looking woman who was trying her best to ignore me, I inquired about WiFi service. She said that it's only available in the lobby and by the pool, however, she didn't comment on the price of the WiFi. Right after that she called security, because I wouldn't stop brandishing my camera.

Four Ambassadors Suites Hotel

The woman behind the desk at The Four Ambassadors Suites Hotel, who was on par with the Marriott girl, didn't know anything about wi-fi. But to her defense, English wasn't even close to her first language. She ran for cover when I whipped out the camera but I did get a great shot of a woman buying coffee at the café.

The Mandarin Oriental

The valet parkers at the cake taking Mandarin Oriental pompously looked at me as if I just loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly, Hills that is. But they were kind enough to allow me to park my Mitsubishi Galant next to a BMW, a Rolls Royce, and an Austin Martin. While inside, the beautifully exotic ladies at the front desk politely answered my questions but displayed zero interest in me, or my agenda. I once again felt like the dork at the high school dance.

Their front desk was fully stocked with the finest of young cuties that were dressed in red geisha suits, and they were nice to me.  As far as room rates are concerned, they were at least twice as expensive as the other four hotels ($595 for basic room) as far as I know, that rate is without the Geisha. Obviously, there's a definite connection between the dough you'll need to lay out, and whom you'll be handing it over to upon checking in.

The Mandarin staff was pleasant, good looking, however, they would not let me take their picture. Nothing but respect for the Mandarin staff, but remember, I didn't stay here, so before you shell out your $600 a night, make sure this property includes all the amenities you need, you rich bastards.

Sheraton Miami-Biscayne Bay Hotel

The only reason she allowed me to take her pictures is because I threatened to tell her manager about the tattoo she was covering up on her neck. She runs the show at the Sheraton Miami-Biscayne Bay Hotel located at 100 Chopin Plaza. She was very cool, friendly, and easy on the eyes, so the vibe at this hotel mirrored her persona.

The Hotel Intercontinental

The Hotel Intercontinental, where no women seemed to be working the front desk, not that there is anything wrong with that. I am told men can be pleasant to talk with as well. I did have a friendly conversation with the guy pictured to the right. He was a nice guy, with a broken finger, and was quite helpful, but I think he could tell I was disappointed to be talking with him.

Note to self for next outing to fancy shmancy hotels: Wear something a bit nicer than an Old Navy t-shirt circa 1995, ripped camouflage print shorts, and an $11 pair of flip flops. P.S. - When trying to take pictures of women without giving off a Larry Flynt vibe, choose another wingman other than my verbose cousin Sam who just oozes lechery.

If you have a questions about Gabe's hotel adventure, or a question you would like him to delve into, concerning the Miami Hotels, just let him know in the comments area below.

Tags: Miscellaneous

by gabe berman